Funny TV Quotes

Welcome to Funny TV Quotes, the web page that brings you a host of sweet, cute, romantic or sad quotes, phrases and one liners from one of radio and TV's most hilarious married couples. These are all free for you to use for non commercial purpose

George Burns and Gracie Allen Quotes

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I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
George

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Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman . . . or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand.
George

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When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.
George

Funny TV Quotes

George: Gracie, what day is it today?
Gracie: Well, I don't know.
George: You can find out if you look at that paper on your desk.
Gracie: Oh, George, that doesn't help. It's yesterday's paper.

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George: Look, it's got a coat of arms. It's a bonified castle.
Gracie: Oh, that's where Napolean came from.
George: Napolean?
Gracie: Yes, Napolean Bonified.

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George: Does he herd sheep?
Gracie: Oh, George, you can't say "does he heard sheep." You should say "does he hear sheep" or "has he heard sheep," but you can't say...
George: "does he heard sheep." NO.

Funny TV Quotes

Gracie Allen: Well, you see one Christmas my father caught a wild turkey and he fed him corn and chestnuts. But then we didn't have the heart to kill him so we let him get away.
George Burns: Oh, I see.
Gracie Allen: But the turkey liked the food so well that he came back each year. And that way we always had...
George Burns: A turkey for Christmas dinner?
Gracie Allen: Yes.

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Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
George

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By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
George

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Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
George

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First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.
George

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I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
George

Funny TV Quotes

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
Gracie

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Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
George

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When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, George said, "No ... he's dead."

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"Gracie, why should I give your mother a bushel of nuts? What'd she ever give me?"
"Why, George, she gave you me. And I'm as good as nuts."

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I was certainly one of the greatest dancers on radio.
George

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When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.
George

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Gracie took after her mother. On our radio show she used to joke that the bill collectors took after her father.

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